HOROSCOPES

Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
Your lucky color today is blue! Every time you see the color blue, turn around three times and yell,
“I love purple!” and knock on the nearest door to you. If you continue with this procedure through the day I
promise that by the end you will be the center of everybody’s attention and you’ll be all everyone will talk
about.

Taurus (Apr. 21 - May 21)
Donuts are your only vice today. You will have an uncontrollable urge to devour every donut within
sight. The stars suggest that you stay away from room 101, which will be easy considering we’re hard to fi nd.
You will get lost if you try to pursue room 101.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
Today is your day to grab all attention! To accomplish this, you will need a bathing suit, a tub of butter,
and your Bill Book. Do what you will with these items, the stars just say you need them.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Money is in your near future. In order to obtain your destiny go to the nearest McDonalds order 13
double cheeseburgers, 13 large fries and, 13 soft drinks, then take that to room 101. It is there where your
money awaits you.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 23)
You need a taco today. After a long hard day of doing what you do the stars predict that it is time to relax
with some fi ne Mexican food. Mmmm delicious!

Virgo (Aug. 24 – Sept. 22)
You will have an undeniable craving to play guitar hero.To prevent this from consuming your life ride
the elevator up and down three times and reject three bills. The number three will save your life!

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23)
Poseidon the Greek God of The Seas is out to get you! Avoid all water, especially toilet bowls, the entire
day! Don’t drink anything so you won’t need the bathroom. I’m not sure what you have done but he is angry
and looking to take revenge on all Libras; so beware!

Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov.22)
Scorpios are the wisest of all. Today use your intelligence to hunt down these spies that are tracking the
poor Pisces. They need you like Uncle Sam needs soldiers. Today is your day to be the hero, don’t fail the stars
Scorpios!

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)
You’re a rock star deep within your soul! Today channel your inner rock star and start singing whatever
pops into your head, just belt it out at 4:36pm, 6:27pm, and 7:12pm. Do it at these suggested times in order to
obtain the best luck.

Capricorn (Dec.22 – Jan 19)
Bad luck is approaching you today, to avoid such luck try making barn animal noises each time you pass
by or through a door. This will save you from the evil leprechauns lurking beyond.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You’re feeling feisty today, in order to let all those feelings out and let go of all frustration, try pulling
pranks on random people you don’t even know. It’ll make you feel better about the world and you don’t have to
ride home with your victims.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
Be wary of the people around you. You never know who is working for the CIA or foreign spy agencies.
But don’t get paranoid, that’s exactly what they want from you! Stay calm, don’t lose control, and whatever you
do don’t tell them Montana’s biggest secret!