Horoscopes

By: Dana Brennan
Lobbyists: Although you guys really have nothing to do today, an adventure is in your future. Beware of monsters made out of failed bills, they have teeth!

Senators: Your last will be filled with light-hearted memories of the joy that debating legislation brings to your life. After you all reflect on your experience in the Senate, you will all be moved to tears of joy for all the happy times. The gallery will be confused.

Attorneys: Last day of arguing! You guys have worked hard and have been beat up by the unmerciful justices. But your arguing days are not over; you will argue with the police to get rid of your bus’ parking ticket.

Reporters: By the time this paper is out, you guys will be done, congrats!

Clerks: A clerk’s work is never done, so don’t expect a break any time soon because I believe that a big mistake will be discovered with all the bills.

Justices: Be sure to bring justice to the streets, people j-walking is a crime!

Governor: Your last day will be filled with tragedy, a crazy epidemic will plague all the dogs in the nation and they will all die.

Secretary of State: I see that your last day will be very exciting! Many pretty ladies are looking for a last shot at love, and yes, you are their target.

Speaker of the House: Suddenly, you will break out singing in the middle of your session and a dance party will ensue.

President of the Senate: After witnessing the strange behavior of the senators, you enter a state of hysteria and start acting like a monkey, man the Senate is kooky.

Cabinet: You guys will be baking the world’s best cookies that will be the hit of Youth Leg!