Horoscopes for Monday

By: Dana Brennan, Ryan Helland, and Paul Schreiber

Lobbyists: You have a bright day ahead of you as you go off to lobby against legislation. After you enter the chambers to state your complete opposition to a bill, a passionate fight will ensue, but your speech moves everyone to destroy the bill and you leave showered in flowers and confetti.
Representatives: An encounter with the mafia will leave you with bumps and bruises, but you will get revenge at Y-nite.
Senators: Be careful when addressing the full chamber because you are wanted by another committee for high treason after stealing several screw drivers and hammers from another Senator.
Attorneys: It may seem like all you do is argue, but bigger things will be happening in your life very shortly. You will soon be playing matchmaker for the squirrels around the capitol.
Reporters: Be on the lookout for hot leads on great stories involving disputes over who will tell someone that the soap in the bathroom is out. It could get you some attention from real journalists looking for interns.
Justices: Today, as you listen to the case laid down by the attorneys, you will be hit with an over whelming urge to get up and dance during a court session. Though some may frown upon this behavior, it will brighten up your day and make everything run smoothly.
Governor: Your day will be filled with a happy and joyful stress. Though stress sounds bad, this kind of stress is happy, and filled with tender, love, and care. So enjoy this stress, because it rarely happens. Think of it as relaxation, only it is called stress.
President of Senate: Go outside, enjoy the mild weather around lunchtime. Take this time to reflect on the day you have had and prepare for some awesome fun tonight. You will probably end up swimming,
Speaker of the House: Your title may say speaker, but you may not be able to talk today. Watch what you eat and be safe.
Secretary of State: A lower profile may help today, “especially if any head rolling,” situations are going on around you. Jealous and insecure people can be real loose cannons today, and playing point the finger are bad things to do. Power people seem to just “want answers” and accountability may become an issue.
Advisors: You will be faced with many stressful situations. So make yourself some wonderful desserts. Do this because desserts spelled backwards is the word ‘stressed’. It will be the only way to fight it.