Horoscopes

April 14, 2010

Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
Lady Gaga is everyone’s hero; your job for today is to imitate Gaga in anyway possible: sing her song,dress like her or even do your makeup like her. Boys you also have to participate!
Taurus (Apr. 21 - May 21)
Fur is your best friend! So if you find anything furry put it on. If you find a cute dog wear him around your neck, he’ll struggle at first but will soon stop resisting and start to lick your face. Guarantee you’ll get feedback on your new look.
Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
Oh gee your future is not looking so bright. To save yourself you will need to roll down the nearest hill you can find. Be careful though, there might be statue in the way or dog poo. You have been warned.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
This is strictly for the guys. To attract the opposite sex today you will need Elmer’s spray glue and a cup of glitter. Spray your entire upper body with the glue then sprinkle the glitter so that ever part of your upper body is covered with magnificence. You will shine like Edward and girls will automatically be attracted you.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 23)
Leos this is your mission: Elect Lady Gaga to be the queen to of the great state of Montana! Don’t fail the stars Leos; it is her destiny!
Virgo (Aug. 24 – Sept. 22)
Beware of anything red! It represents the devil and for you today, it’s the color of evil! You will be cursed for exactly 2 months, 4 days, 2 hours and 4 minutes if you touch anything red (even hair). Sorry gingers.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23)
If you have a tie on today rip it off! Your ties are toxic and they will choke the life out of you if you do not take immediate action. The stars do not want you to die!!
Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov.22)
I hope you have a lint roller because the stars suggest that you will need it continuously through out the day. The stars also say to bring room 101 pudding, chocolate pudding.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)
The zombies will attack soon; you must train as soon as possible to battle the undead. In the word of Yoda “This battle, you must win.”
Capricorn (Dec.22 – Jan 19)
Find a rainbow and chase it. At the end you will not find a pot of gold but a huge pot of jellybeans! Be sure to share with room 101.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Gingers do have souls! It is your obligation today to get the word out. The stars do not care how you do it; just do it. Yell it from the banister, stand on top of a statue and scream it (not suggested), or make posters! Just make sure that everybody knows ginger do in fact have souls!
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
Luck is not on your side today. I wish the stars would suggest something outrageous for you to do just so I can be entertained, but alas I have nothing. Endure the hardship for today, tomorrow will be better....…hopefully.